Game of Thrones E501 (Burn, Bitch, Burn)

Game of Thrones E501 (Burn, Bitch, Burn)

Game of Thrones is easily HBO’s best produced porno since True Blood. And while the show is typically known for it’s willingness to kill off likable characters and it’s gratuitous sex scenes, the fifth seasons premiere was seemingly tame compared to previous entries. There were three main plot points during “The Wars to Come”: Daenerys dealing with threats in the form of The Sons of The Harpy in Meereen, Cersei coping with the loss of everything she held dear and Jon becoming a messenger of sorts for Stannis. While somewhere in the middle of it all is Tyrion and his new alliance with Lord Varys. 


The episode begins with a flashback to a time when Cersei was just a young bitchling. It appears she was just as insufferable as a child as she is now. For whatever reason, her and a friend decide to visit a mysterious witch in the woods with the ability to see the future at the cost of Cersei’s blood. With the offer of three questions on the table – Cersei begins by asking if she will marry the prince, followed by if she will become Queen. It’s foretold that while she will not marry Rhaegar (the prince at the time), but she will become Queen – alluding to her eventual marriage to Robert Baratheon. Her third and final question received a somewhat mixed response from the young girl as she is told that she will have three children while Robert will father 20. The witch leaves Cersei with one more cryptic message: “Gold will be their crowns, gold their shrouds” – prompting her to get the fuck out of that cabin. 

In the present day she’s dealing with the loss of her father, Tywin, as well as the fact that Tyrion managed to escape. It also becomes clear why Cersei has always felt overly threatened by Margaery and her influence on both Tommen and Jofferey. When the witch in the woods tells her that a younger, more beautiful Queen will eventually replace Cersei – it’s easy to see that she assumes this Queen must be Margaery. I think it’s safe to assume that in the grander scheme of things, the prophecy could easily be referring to Daenerys.


The Mother of Dragons has been pretty fucking boring for some time now. In terms of likability – her character peaked in season three but now her Targaryan arrogance is starting to interfere with her decision making. While she’s typically a compassionate Queen, she has a much more “I don’t give a fuck” response to anything related to Meereen and it’s traditions. It’s ironic that someone known as the Breaker of Chains feels the need to chain up the dragons that will surely be crucial in her reclaiming the throne.

When one of her Unsullied are murdered in a brothel she’s faced with new threats to her position. I’’m really starting to like her relationship with Daario because he at least has the balls to tell her that without control of her dragons she is vulnerable. He also goes on about why she should consider opening The Fighting Pits back up as a form of entertainment because honestly why the fuck not?


When she embarks down into the tombs where she’s been keeping her remaining two dragons: Viserion and Rhaegal she comes pretty damn close to getting her face melted right off. The dragons are clearly pissed off at their abandonment and I’m hoping this focuses her storyline back on what made her special in the first place.

Jon Snow

Jon’s alliance with the Wildlings has made him a valuable asset to Stannis and Melisandre. What Stannis wants is for Jon to convince Mance Rayder to bend a knee or burn the fuck up, literally. It’s a simple choice but like a fucking idiot, Mance decides to put his pride first and accepts his death willingly. In the final moments of the episode, the legendary leader of the Wildlings is set on fire only to have his screams of agony interrupted by an arrow to the heart – fired by Jon because he gives zero fucks.


What this treachery could mean in the long run remains to be seen but I truly doubt Jon is in any real danger. Melisandre clearly wants to fuck him so that could play into his favor at least. She’s up to her usual antics – spouting words about the Lord of Light while giving Jon the “I want you to fuck me on a fiery pit of bones” look. So it’s safe to say – this was a good episode. Not the best premiere but a good one.

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Tyrion is safe from the threat of King’s Landing, taking refuge in the home of one of Lord Varys’ many allies and drinking himself silly. Like many of the viewers of this show – Varys sees that Tryion is actually a good person and can do more good in the world than he gives himself credit for. He decides to go with Varys to Meereen where they will pledge their loyalty to Daenerys. 

  • There was no Arya this week.
  • Tyrion throwing up was one of the funniest things I’ve seen on this show.
  • I seriously have no idea what Sansa and Littlefinger are even doing.