Hemlock Grove S1.E01 [Jellyfish in the Sky]
*By Emmy Nguyen
Let me preface this by saying I don’t give a shit about Eli Roth. Hostel made me want to throw up into my own eyes. This may be something that actually happens in one of the thirty Hostel films. I wouldn’t know because I gave up after the first one. I don’t want to see someone’s brains still inside their skull. That is too intimate.
That said, on a fuckability scale, from Kevin Spacey to Michael Fassbender, Eli Roth is a 90s Baldwin. This is not to say that I would not fuck Kevin Spacey either, because I would, but not without a safe word.
I have no prior knowledge of this show. I am reviewing this because Arsenio Maddox told me to.
This episode starts like all first episodes of any series does – by introducing you to the setting and the characters. Immediately, you get the sense that something isn’t right in Hemlock Grove. You can tell that because everything is awash in sepia tones and soft glow. The main characters are all archetypes: wry, witty, world-weary teenagers; roguish, rebellious heart throbs; and a slinky, suspicious femme fatale. And of course, a highly questionable doctor. From a stylistic viewpoint, it’s beautifully shot and visually interesting. We have Facebook and texting juxtaposed with old school cars and constant indoor smoking. The overall vibe is surprisingly nuanced.
First off, we have a chick getting hell of mangled by what we can assume is a werewolf because the series ad pic is an arm coming out of a wolf’s mouth. Then, we get to meet our happy gypsy family, played by a young Jared Leto and that one lady who’s in a lot of things, but whose name I never remember ever. She’s cool though. And also, we get introduced to something in glass vials that people put in their eyeballs. I’m going to say it’s V. Everyone’s doing V. There is also this bad actress who stumbles onto gypsy guy while he’s having gypsy prophecies and accuses him of being a werewolf because his index and middle finger are the same size. She has a voice like a twelve year old, but this banging body, so 7/10 would finger her.
Then other stuff happens, I don’t remember, but there’s another family that we are led to believe is important consisting of Jean Grey, her son Michael Pitt, and her daughter Giant-Growling-Thing-Who-Is-Obvs-Werewolf. They have a flashback that pretty much tells us as much – in the past, Scott Summers killed himself because Jean Grey was so evil and their daughter was Eraserhead deformed. Jean tells Scott that their son has “the calling” and that “he’s hers,” so then he straight shoots himself in the head. Then, when Gypsy Jon Snow sees the kids in present day, he’s all, “oh, they’re lupier,” which means WEREWOLF in gypsy talk. He’s gotta be right because gypsies have magic powers, as evidenced by their ability to make servers cry just by walking through the door of any restaurant ever. This is a story about WEREWOLVES. Did you guys know? Werewolves.
Okay, the main things to take away from this episode is that Jean Grey is probably some flavor of villain, there are a lot of characters, everyone has secrets, and Nathan Grey-Summers thinks Gyspy Danger killed the girl meaning that neither he nor his sister did it meaning that we can’t stop here this is werewolf country. I think. I don’t know.
Breaks Taken – 2 (one apple and peanut butter, one cigarette)
Time Spent on Phone – Two minutes
Breasts Seen – Two
Names Remembered – One
Black People – Zero
Would Watch More? – Probably
Rating – Surprisingly Good
Here are the notes I took while I was watching:
Shout out to that bitch who’s in a lot of stuff but whose name I don’t know.
Why are they doing V i don’t even
gypsies that’s cool i guess they are hot
is it a gypsy thing to have long thumbnails. gross.
this michael pitt steve buscemi fucking kid in soft glow who’s jean grey’s kid weird guy who fucks and puts blood on people
why is the asian doctor named dr. price tho